Ok, the truth is out... this was a joke post/project I made. Hope you enjoy! 
We all have it.
Countless boxes of electronics and parts. A giant bin of scrap wire. Computer parts. Chips and electrical parts we can’t even identify but look cool. We have them, save them, horde them in some cases. But no more! There is a way to recycle it all while benefiting financially, ethically, environmentally, and nutritionally!
Researchers at UIC discovered a way to process electronics in a digestible way accidentally in the breakroom. Being a UIC alumni, I was able to get an exclusive interview with the research lead – Chicago native and research fellow S. Goolie.
“A lot of groundbreaking science is discovered by accident,” Goolie explained to me during a phone interview. “E-waste is a scourge,” Goolie continued. “It is probably the hardest thing to recycle, I bet. Lots of little parts, sharp stuff, weird stuff. But there I was, in the breakroom when inspiration shocked me like a lightning bolt to the thinker… what if we eat it.”
Goolie walked me through the breakroom where he had this inspiration. I asked, “you know we’re on the phone, right? I can’t see anything.” Goolie responded, “people have no imagination these days. Picture it in your mind. Me, wondering if I could just drink my lunch. Genius striking!”
“You’ve heard of that show, 'but will it blend?' " Goolie explained how he blended a few small pieces of lab equipment.
"I take it further… will it taste good?” He said his first few electronic scrap-based meals were “ok.”
“The more I blended, the more delicious it tasted. I call it the ‘Electronic Aggregate Purée,’ “ Goolie replied overly excited. “It’s all the metals, minerals and fortifying microplastics to help anneal and preserve the body. I mean, take a regular over-the-counter multivitamin; it has around 44% of your daily iron, right? What if you could get 300,000% of your iron, but also steel, aluminum, tin, silver, gold even? This is a nutritional supernova.”
Creating the Electronic Aggregate Purée as follows. From the paper:
Step one, place all old and dusty electronics into a glass vessel. Not sure what it is? That’s ok; throw it in the vessel too.
Step two, apply the top to the vessel. This creates an enclosed environment for the electronics to combine, mix, or for new molecules altogether.
Step three, blend. Blend until there is a greenish-grey purée. This silicon/metal purée is rich in essential vitamins and minerals.
Step three, part B. Remove any non-blended electrical components. Set aside to purée later.
Step four, consume the purée.
Having tested this process but not the taste, I followed up a few days later with a bit of skepticism. “You’re saying you actually eat this stuff?”
Goolie replied from a hospital bed, “I do, and so does my team here at the lab. Although most are here with me, I can’t say how much they enjoy the purée until the doctor brings them all back. But, hey... this stuff is vegetarian safe, vegan safe, everything safe. You’ve heard of plant-based meats? Imagine Electronic Aggregate-based meats! This isn’t about a meal; it’s about changing the world.”
Me: “I’m on a keto diet. Would it be keto-friendly?”
Goolie: “Of course! There is absolutely no nutritional value in it whatsoever.”
Me: “OK! Well, I’ve had all I can stands; I can’t stands no more! Why stop with electronics? Why not purée old VHS tapes, books, furniture, mattresses?”
Goolie: “What’re you, insane?!”
At this point I hung up. If you’d like to read more about this “recycling,” see more in the paper published April 1, 2022 in the Journal of Electrical Science and Diet.
Have a story tip? Message me at: http://twitter.com/Cabe_Atwell
